angel

poorly trained bits of paper
fluttering
cluttering a desk somewhere
they have my name on them
and my destiny
coded as a plus or minus

I've found God again
but I still don't feel like anyone's listening
and I wonder
if that's leftover training from my atheist days
or if I was right to begin with

but then I wonder if faith is more important.

I shouldn't be heartbroken over you
you're everything I told my shrink I'd leave behind
but I want you slinking around my windows at night
I want you turning out my lights
I want you stalking me
in the dark places I walk down
I want to feel you hunting me
like I did when we played predatorprey in the woods
after you fingered me in the meadow until my knees gave out
and I can't shake this fucking feeling
that I should have kissed you more

I can't unwind.
I'm going to get that phone call
tomorrow, or the next day, or the next,
and someone I've never spoken to before in my life
gets to tell me if I'm going to live or die.
I keep telling myself
"God is on my side,
Goddess protects her children
even when they don't know it"
but I still feel like if I stop worrying
even for a second
I'll get that phone call
and that stranger will tell me I'm infected
so I kiss the symbol I've been wearing around my neck
and say prayers
I never would have been caught dead saying
two weeks ago.

I'm hoping this is a very rude wake up call.