mirrors by michael andrews

I wish it didn't hurt like this.
It's not that I'm head over heels for him or anything, it's just that the rejection hurts as much as a broken heart.
I don't understand, to be completely honest.
He takes me to dinner with his parents, he kisses me in front of the world, he puts his arm around me in public, he does things for me that are so thoughtful they bring me to tears at times.
But he tells me "don't read too much into it".
What am I supposed to think? Is he doing this just to be cruel? He does these things that should scream "I love you!", yet tells me "I never will!" and expects me to want to hang out with him the next day.
Yesterday while I was at work he asked what my schedule looked like.
"What's the word? :)"
"Work until four, then I'll probably go to the teahouse."
"Want me to join you?"
"Probably not."
"Is everything okay?"
and I made up some excuse. He told me to have a nice day.
Last night before I went to bed he txted me again and asked if I wanted to go bowling today. I never replied. Why do I feel guilty for that one gesture of defiance? I want to text him and say I'm sorry, but I can't swallow my bitter pride and I certainly don't know how to tell him why I'm not speaking to him.

"Look. I'm having trouble controlling my emotions for you and it's obvious that you don't feel the same. I think we should stop seeing each other, I need to quit while I'm ahead."

but the hole in my chest comes back every time I think about it.
Is it really so hard to love me? I mean, really-- is loving me the worst thing in the world? Do children have nightmares about it, do the police have briefings about it, AM I A NATIONAL SECURITY RISK?

but then rationality sets in and I know it has nothing to do with that.