what happened to 17

I miss the girl I was when I was 17. I actually felt emotions back then, I kind of wonder what happened to that. Scratch the kind of, I'm seriously wondering where all my emotions went to. These days it seems like I'm a fucking zombie-- now and then that hole in my chest will come back, that beautiful hole I despise and adore-- but other than that it's just a flat line. I don't know why but I've been thinking a lot about Edward lately... so strange. I wonder what ever happened to him. I don't think I'll ever see him again... I can't tell if I'm sad about that or not. I guess it doesn't matter.
Some updates.
Jude and I broke up about two weeks ago. He'll be moving out by the end of the week hopefully. I've never been more relieved.
Had a complete nervous breakdown in the back service hallway at work about three or four weeks ago. Still recovering.
Had a talk with Aston after my meltdown-- turns out he's had feelings for me for quite some time now, the mixed signals being the inner debate over giving in to said feelings and keeping the smart distance as he couldn't handle me seeing other people. He also informed me that he'd be with me in a heartbeat if I would stop seeing other people.
Then I broke up with Jude, completely independent of that conversation, I assure you.
The next day I met Aston for tea and told him I wanted to try.
So now we're a thing.
I'm still insecure about how he feels about me, but I'm not going to worry about it.
Still moving to DC this summer.
My job is slowly driving me to suicidal thoughts.
I met someone on my wavelength, who really gets a lot of the things I say. We'll call him Marius. I'm texting him even as I'm typing this entry. I'm not getting my hopes up in any way, he could turn out to be another pretentious hipster like me. Whatever.
My faith in humans has officially been shot to zero.
I want my apartment to myself, I'm sick of Jude's shit being here. I want to be able to ask Aston if he wants to spend the night. I want to paint my own fucking living room the way I want to. I should have been able to considering I've paid the rent here from day one. I'm so bitter about that boy I don't even know what to do.
I don't know how to break down. I just don't know how to do it.
I'm just a pile of human waste.


but I'm listening to the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack and I have that Ida Maria album waiting for me by the dvd player, so it's going to be okay.
supposedly.