my skin

Dear Aston,
I've always prided myself on my independence, you know this. I feel like perhaps it's one of the things you like about me, one of the things you respect me for. I'm used to preferring to sleep alone, to spend my nights in solitude. I'm accustomed to being all I need, to being my own rock, to reveling in my rough exterior and brushing off the insults of the world outside with a sarcastic smile and a lit cigarette. I've known darkness, disdain, insecurity, loneliness, anxiety, pressure, the claustrophobic nights that cause me to hyperventilate and wonder why on earth anything so unpleasant as "love" would happen to a girl like me.
So you may be able to see why I wouldn't be used to this, this beautiful thing I can't believe I have before me. Why I can't figure out why I started feeling emotions the moment I let you into me, why I can't bear to see you drive away from my apartment, why I hate you leaving me in the morning more than anything in the world. 8:15AM can go suck a dick. But here I am, sitting in this empty bed (I mean, the two cats don't count in my opinion, considering the one sitting on my chest is Satan's little helper) wondering why I can't bring myself to go to bed, knowing I would roll over only to find another pillow.
I don't think it's just because I'm used to you being here; if that were the case, why would I be so heartbroken when you drop me off for work? Why would I jump to my phone every time it goes off in case it's you? How could it be that I'm able to have the worst day at work (I broke down crying three times that day, you know I'm not one for tears) just to come home to you and have the best night since who knows when, just hanging out in our pajamas playing video games? You shouldn't be able to turn my entire day around like that. I shouldn't be crying an hour before I see you, only to laugh and not be able to remember what was so terrible the moment I get in your car. It's not natural. It's not right. It's not me.
I've never known this, this... I don't know what to call it or even how to describe it. This... bliss, completely devoid of anxiety. I've been in love before, what 20 year old girl hasn't? But never before has it been without some excruciating pain accompanying it. Dorian was an adolescent obsession, Scarlett was unrequited in the most confusing ways, Edward was the true embodiment of a heartbreak whose only purpose was to jade me and break me.
But you? You make everything okay again. You bring me a safety I haven't known before, you have a way of letting everything be not as bad as I thought it was. I've never been completely myself around anyone before, without pain or fear of reproof, yet I can do my dishes and sing/yell along to Tori Amos in my underwear with you in the next room without a second thought. You don't analyze me, you don't try to tell me that what I'm going through is normal or even that you understand, you just kiss the back of my neck and ask if watching a movie would make me feel better. I find myself watching you doing mundane tasks with some sort of distracted awe-- earlier tonight I watched you for a good two minutes just rearranging food in the refrigerator, the whole time I couldn't help but think
I can't bear to think of you not being around. Where the hell did you come from? I didn't think I could be so sure of anything, yet here you are... 
and quickly turned back to stirring the cake batter when I realized how creepy it would have been if you'd noticed me staring at you with a spoon covered in chocolate dangling from my slack hand... but I'm a creepy person as it is, or so I'm told.
I'm not used to a painless love like this.
I don't even care anymore if you feel the same for me. If it all comes to nothing and you tell me that this was nothing but a way to pass the time... okay, I can't lie, I'd be completely heartbroken and my world completely shattered, but it would be worth it. You really are the healthiest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm starting to feel again, not just fleeting shadows but actual emotions with depth and life, sometimes for minutes at a time. I haven't had that for almost what, three years now? Almost four? It can't be coincidence. I know I can't give you all the credit for it-- I've made so much progress and the only person holding the true responsibility for that would be me-- but you were a part of the changes I made for the better in my life, and I don't think I've made a better decision in my years on this earth.
So there's that. I just thought you should know.
And though I haven't told you this and I probably won't for quite a while, I still feel like I should end this the proper way. I love you. I want you to be with me as long as I can have you. I love you like I haven't loved before, and that is worth everything.
Yours,
--Arden