OH MY GOD, YOU THINK I'M IN CONTROL

I have a secret.
I have a way out and I'm taking it.

Thursday I came home from work to find that I had the mean reds, and a bad case of it too (see: Breakfast at Tiffany's). I couldn't cope, I was absolutely flipping my shit. I opened up my notebook I keep with me at all times and started writing-- before I knew it, I'd flipped a page over and written something I hadn't realized I'd written until I looked down and saw it.
"I think I'm going to leave."
I have a friend, we'll call him Nipo. Until recently Nipo lived in New York-- he recently relocated to Vermont to put himself through culinary school and live an absolute adventure. Nipo and I are madly in love with each other in a cute way, it's not really serious but there is a mutual understanding that we are perfect for each other. We've joked about me dropping everything in my life and flying out to be with him, first in NY and now in Vermont; it's always been great comfort to know that if I needed to drop and run I'd have a blissful place to go. I've seriously considered it at times.
Right then I realized everything in a great rush: how this town is holding me down, it's time to re-invent myself, I'm dying here, I feel so stagnant and stale, I'm in a relationship that is keeping me dead, I'm in another that is killing me slowly as well. I realized my reasons for staying in this place are complete bullshit and mostly because of Jude. I realized that the apartment I'm living in is an unhealthy situation, this place feels like death and I emotionally flatline every time I walk in the door-- it's the energy of this space, among other things. I'm pretty sure the girl who lived here before us tried to kill herself at least twice in here, I know what suicide feels like and that is it. There's a specific corner in my living room that has a dark energy about it, everyone who walks in the door has mentioned it in one way or another. My living situation is unhealthy, my two relationships are unhealthy, everything about this place is unhealthy.
I texted Nipo.
"I just realized there is a grand total of nothing keeping me here."
I got a reply four seconds later.
"Please come to Vermont."
I looked around my bedroom and wrote a list of the things I would need.
clothes
books (The Hours, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Captain's Verses)
Scooter (my stuffed white rabbit from when I was 4)
laptop

and I started packing. I inherited my grandfather's luggage, bright red and sturdy-- I took the largest suitcase and filled it with my new life. I was about to call a cab to take me to the airport when I realized I needed to take a moment and cry. I sat on my bed and started sobbing as it sank in that I was going to leave.
Cate called at exactly that moment.
I spilled everything to her, how I was dying and needed to get out, how I was sitting next to my packed suitcase, how I was waiting for the computer to boot up so I could book a flight. She made some very good points-- around this time of year I seem to go through some sort of crisis, September is a time of anxiety and reinvention for me. Anyway, long story short, after talking to her for a while I decided I shouldn't go, at least not right now. I needed to be convinced that I'm leaving my life behind because it's the right thing for me to do, not because of the weather.

But I haven't been able to get it out of my head that I was so close to escaping.
Nipo and I have been texting nonstop lately. Neither of us know why we're both pushing so hard for me to drop my life and leave, but both of us are incredibly on board with the idea. I just can't bring myself to do it for the above reasons.
I haven't talked about Ruth on this blog at all, which I find strange because she is such a dear friend; I think it's because she's been in Spain for these past few months so I haven't had a chance to talk to her much, but now she's back and I can't begin to express my relief and her return. We both work at the same salon, that's actually how we met-- super BFFs YAY!
anyway.
So today Jude and I went and saw a movie (The American, goddamn it George Clooney... your films are usually incredible, why did you do this boring piece of shit that was a waste of my money and time?!)-- the fact that the movie was BORING AS FUCK meant that my mind was wandering all over the place, of course about how I had almost ran a few days before. I texted Ruth after I got out the movie asking if she was back in town (her parents live about twenty minutes away from here and she had been visiting these past few days). Blah blah blah, we ended up going out to our usual diner tonight and having a serious talk about everything that's been going on.
So we've come up with a plan.
She's graduating from University this summer. She's been planning on going to D.C, it's her pipe dream that she's finally going to pursue. One of my best friends recently moved to D.C and I've been trying to find the money and time to go out and visit him-- I miss him like a panda would miss bamboo.
So I'm moving to D.C this summer with Ruth. Jude isn't coming with me.
Now that could change. Ruth could find other things to do and other places to go. I could get to this summer and realize I want to stay with Jude. But here are the things that are absolutely for sure:
I need to get the fuck away from this place.
I need to start a new life, the life THAT I WANT.
I need to reevaluate my relationships.
Knowing that I will come to a crossroads this upcoming summer on whether I should stay with Jude or not is definitely going to help me reevaluate us. Knowing I'm not trapped in this relationship and that our days could be numbered is giving me relief and is helping me be objective about my decision regarding him. One thing is absolutely for sure: this relationship has become unhealthy and a change needs to be made.
I'll write more about this later-- it's 2:30 in the morning and I have to be up for work at 9.

I feel so much better. I know I'm going to get through this.
This is my secret: I'm leaving this place this summer, no matter what. I think I'm going to be happy.
I'm determined to be happy.
I'm going to make a new future for myself. 
This feels so positive, I can't even believe it am going to do WHAT I WANT and make a positive change in my life FOR THE BETTER.
This feels healthy.
I'm going to be healthy.

remember: