this stupid thing

I've decided to be a copykitty and try this list that I've seen a few people doing right now-- you're supposed to list 100 things about yourself and (out of nowhere, I'm assuming) it's supposed to be captivating to read and provide incredible insight about yourself, blah blah blah. This morning while at work I was wondering if I could even come up with a list that would be worth reading... I almost wish I hadn't opened my mouth on the matter because soon after I got a challenge from a certain someone to write the list anyway. So, here goes nothing I suppose.
...and now I don't know where to start. How fascinating. Side note: this list took me four days to write. How sad.

Here Be Me List O'Doom

...yarrr, matey

1.  Almost all the jewelry I own belonged to my grandmother before it belonged to me. 
2. I play piano, guitar, bass, violin, and cello. I've been known to rock out on a kazoo now and then.
3. I was in a band in high school.
4. I was going to be a theatre major. The switch to psychology is relatively recent; I've been debating if I want to switch back for the past five minutes.
5. I've been trained in opera since I was 12. I had a full ride scholarship for it (to a university that will remain nameless, but it is one of the top names) when I was 15. Not taking it up is one of the best things I ever did. 
6. I make most of my own clothes. My grandmother taught me how to sew when I was a kid and I've been doing it ever since. I'm also a costume designer: I did a lot of work for local theaters until my kidneys failed last year. I used to make all the costumes for the High Court at the local Ren Fest.
7. I had a small (and very successful) side business making corsets until the kidneys put a temporary halt to that. 
8. My favorite book is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. It's the only thing that can make me feel anything sometimes. 
9. I despise ranch dressing.
10. I don't watch television. Ever. 
11. I don't have a facebook, myspace or twitter. I think they're the most pointless and idiotic wastes of time invented. 
12. I started smoking when I was 14. 
13. I'm a recovering cocaine addict. 
14. I refuse to drive a car.
15. My favorite thing to do when I'm down is go to a movie theater. Something about the popcorn and the darkness... I love it. 
16. I want to own a cafe/book shop someday. I have no idea how I'm going to fit that in with the rest of my plans. 
17. Every New Year's I get a bottle of champagne and watch Breakfast At Tiffany's. This upcoming New Year's will be the sixth year I've done it. I've only done it once with someone else, and that was my mother who started the tradition. I can't tell if there's comfort in doing it alone or if I'm too drunk to realize how sad I am about it. 
18. I have absolutely no fear of death. 
19. I've had 3 near death experiences. 
20. My psychic experiences have shaped me probably more than my physical ones, probably because I've had more of them. Wolf insists that I'm one of these Indigo Children... I honestly don't care if I am or not.
21. I've had consensual sex with 11 men. I honestly don't know how many womyn I've had sex with. I don't really feel the need to keep track of the number of womyn I sleep with, yet I can't keep the tally out of my head every time I become physical with a new male partner. I have no idea why that is-- it's not that I feel that sex with men is more legit or that it's better or that there's shame involved with it, if anything I think it's the opposite: I don't keep track of the number of womyn because those experiences are much more important to me. 
22. I danced for 8 years. I did gymnastics for 5. I trained horses for 6. My knees and my back threw all of those out the window. 
23. When I was about 5 I had a concussion that was never treated. The result is that my eyes are all sorts of fucked up-- I'm wondering if that is a contributing factor to my rapidly deteriorating vision. One of the results is that my pupils are permanently dilated, meaning I'm extremely sensitive to light. The glasses I wear aren't prescription-- they're tinted and UV protected. If I don't wear them I get migraines from every day light. 
24. I think my scars are pretty. 
25. I wish I could wear an evening gown every day.
26. I'm incredibly ashamed of how my breasts look. 
27. I'm obsessed with the movie Casablanca. "Of all the gin joints" runs through my head at least once a day without fail. I have a picture of Bogey with that quote as the background on my phone so that I can see it three thousand times a day.
28. I have no tattoos. When I have the time I don't have the money, when I have the money I don't have the time. I'll be getting this on the back of my arm (obviously much larger and without the pink) sometime within the next month or so. I also want a back piece with the quote "If God is male, then male is God". I want to get my nose pierced within the next couple of weeks (hopefully).
29. I have a necklace that Wolf gave me for Yule about four years ago, it's a crow holding a pentacle. It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me, it's a very rare occasion that it leaves my neck. Sleeping, showers and sex do not count as such occasions.
30. Jude and I met on a dating website. 
31. I'm one of those yoga people. 
32. I have green eyes. 
33. I never had braces.
34. I've been vegetarian for about five years. 
35. I usually keep a deck of tarot cards in my purse. 
36. When I was little I had a stuffed white rabbit named Scooter that I kept by my side AT ALL TIMES.
    ...he's sitting next to me right now. Not a whole lot has changed. 
37. I can't eat peanut butter cookies. When I was about 15 I was pissed at my cousin (the closest thing I've had to a sibling, we both lived with my grandparents at the same time for about a year) when I found out he was on his way home. I had just finished baking three batches of peanut butter cookies: I ate them all rather then let him have any because I couldn't think of anywhere to hide them. I hadn't realized the oven was slightly broken and hadn't cooked them all the way. I puked for hours. 
38. I can't stand people looking at my feet. I'd rather be standing stark naked in front of someone than let them see my naked feet.
39. My least favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I loathe it more than any other day of the year.
40. The voice in my head that narrates all my thoughts has a British accent and is male. 
41. I am fully certified as a custom framer.
42. I knew how to read before I went to kindergarten.
43. I graduated high school when I was 17.
44. I haven't spoken to my father since my graduation.
45. The first time I saw Star Wars was when I was 8 years old. My room at my grandparent's house had an old television in it, though it was more of a waste of space since I rarely used it. My mother was there to pick me up but had gotten caught up in arguing with my grandmother about something, so I was ridiculously bored and decided to turn on that TV thinking I would throw in a movie-- The Empire Strikes Back was playing, the "Do or do not" scene with Yoda and Luke. I sat glued to the screen until the movie ended and then demanded I be allowed to see the trilogy in full when I got home to my mother's house; my mother dug out her old original VHS copies of the movies and let me watch them, I stayed up all night until I was finished. That was the day I became a nerd; I never looked back.
46. The first book I ever read was The Hobbit. I wasn't allowed to read The Lord of the Rings until I was twelve because my mother knew I wouldn't have the patience to read them and wanted me to appreciate them. I can never thank her enough for that because it was true.
47. My favorite color is orange. 
48. I am absolutely obsessed with horror movies. My favorite is probably A Tale of Two Sisters, followed closely by El Orfanato.
49. I have an irrational fear of zombies. Don't get me wrong, the zombie apocalypse would be FANTASTIC, but I can't take the trash out after dark or do my laundry in the basement of my building by myself because I'm afraid the undead will attack me. Smoking a cigarette while I'm stoned after dark is tough sometimes because I get so paranoid that a horde of zombies will come down the street at any second.
50. I got clean off from the pills and the coke when I was 14 (almost 15), yet I never tried marijuana until I was 16. How strange. I've done almost everything you can think of-- RX pills, ecstasy, absinthe, cocaine, you name it-- yet pot was never appealing until I was older and mature enough to appreciate it. Now getting stoned and listening to great music or reading a fantastic book is one of my favorite things to do before I go to bed.
51. I can't remember the last time I slept without a nightmare. I can't bring myself to hate that-- even my nightmares are beautiful. All of my dreams are outrageously beautiful. 
52.  I've miscarried. Her name was Jenna.
53. I refuse to get married or have children. I have my wedding planned down to the seating and the names of my children picked out. 
54. Some of my favorite memories are things I can't think about. Leaving for golf, escaping from a tree, meeting at Denny's, underwear cookies, Peppers, Satie on the couch. It's all too much.
55. The first time I realized that monogamy was ridiculous was when I was 14.
56. The first time I fell in love was with a girl named Mariah when I was 11. That is her real name. I had no idea that it was love at the time.
57. My first kiss was with a girl named Evin at the Sadie Hawkins dance when I was a freshman in high school. That is her real name as well. 
58. Money gives me panic attacks. 
59. I spent some time in a mental hospital right after graduating high school. I still have nightmares about it. 
60. I've been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. That diagnosis has since been pulled, but for about two years I was on meds to treat my supposed illness. I wonder if that's why I'm so fucked up. 
61. I was first put on antidepressants when I was 13.
62. I started self mutilating when I was 6 by giving myself bruises and slamming my hands in doors. I didn't start cutting until I was 9 and I haven't stopped since other than taking breaks for a few months at a time at the request of someone I love.
63. I've never broken a bone. Don't ask me how. I've dislocated everything and anything that can be dislocated, though. I think I've cracked my ribs a few times.
64.  Whenever I walk down the street I pretend that I'm the main character in one of two movies depending on my mood. The first is that I'm a French girl who is incredibly misunderstood by everyone and only the viewer really gets it, much like Amelie-- the scene I'm in is narrated by me and I'm talking about the things going through my head at that moment. Beautiful things, things people don't talk about. The second is that I'm the main character from the novel I've been working on for two years-- Rehna was once from this world but she (and five other people before her) have been transported to another dimension where they act as  Sages and Guardians of the alternate world, much like a Gandalf figure. The scene is her remembering her life before she left this world. It passes the time. I've never told anyone that... it's kind of embarrassing.
65. I'm naturally left handed. I write with my right hand because I can't hold a pen/pencil in my left; when I was a kid I received extensive injuries to both hands, my right healed a bit better than my left. My handwriting always looks like I was convulsing at the time.
66. I'm obsessed with tea houses.
67. I'm a complete coffee snob.
68. I can count on one hand how many times I've felt someone was sincere in calling me "beautiful" or "pretty". The most beautiful I've ever felt was when I was in an evening gown for a banquet in Washington, D.C-- a man was walking up the stairs in front of me, turned to look at me, and stopped in his tracks, almost tripping over himself. "Darling," he said to me after he had regained his footing, "You are, by far, the most gorgeous womon I have ever seen. You're glowing tonight." The fact that he was obviously gay made me believe it even more. 
69. I really hate 69ing.
70. I've been engaged.
71. The best sex I've ever had was on my mother's bed.
72. I hate summer.
73. My favorite word in the English language is "morgue". 
74. I refuse to have a scale in my apartment-- I have no idea how much I weigh.
75. I am a badass motherfucker at Uno.
76. Everyone I've ever dated or slept with-- with the exception of one person, my boyfriend from high school-- has been older than me. 
77. I'm obsessed with skeleton keys. And nifty looking candle holders. And interesting looking boxes. And locks. 
78. I keep an online blog because I'm too paranoid to keep a written journal. 
79. I feel a strange personal connection to Virginia Woolf, as if I know her and am a close friend. 
80. I absolutely adore decorating Christmas trees, probably much more than I should.
81. I'm also obsessed with white Christmas lights....Christmas is my favorite holiday. :D
82. I am, without exception, less inclined to trust you and will automatically think less of you if I find out that you are a Christian.
83. My best friend and I have climbed a mountain together. That's pretty badass, you have to admit.
84. I graduated high school with a 3.8 and I don't give a shit.
85. I read postsecret religiously.
86. EVPs make me cry.
87. I don't think I've gone a day in my life without swearing since I was 9.
88. Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" and The Gaslight Anthem's "The 59 Sound" can be used to soundtrack my life at any given moment, without fail. 
89. When I was a little kid I used to be obsessed with trying to pee and poop at the same time. I have absolutely no idea why. 
90. My favorite video game of all time is Eternal Darkness for Gamecube. If you're familiar with the game, that should tell you an awful lot about me. 
91. I can't sleep without my feet covered by something-- a blanket, a pillow, anything.
92. When I was a little kid I used to have these dreams almost every night that I went to a school with a bunch of other kids where we learned to develop our psychic abilities. The school was in the middle of the most beautiful forest you could imagine, and it was an open building with no doors-- the Companion Training House in Firefly reminds me of that school a lot. At the school we learned telepathy, telekinesis, manipulating elements, divination, psychometry (something I hadn't gotten the knack of until recently), all sorts of things. About two and a half years ago I was in the airport in Nashville, TN getting ready to fly home after a sabbatical from life after graduation (the airport is about the size of a small town)-- I was about three hours early for my flight and was reading a book at my terminal. I felt this incredible pull at just the right moment to look at the group of people coming in from the flight that had just landed: one of the people getting off that flight was one of the kids I had known from those dreams. Both of us looked at each other at the exact same moment, as if we had called each other's names-- we recognized each other instantly and sprinted towards each other, leaving our bags wherever they landed. We both looked older but I knew who he was the moment I saw him, the same as he knew me; turns out he's lived in California his entire life, completely on the opposite side of the country from me. Thank Goddess I arrived three hours early for my flight or we wouldn't have had time for that cup of coffee we grabbed. We email each other on a daily basis.
93. Speaking of Companions, I think that would be the ideal profession for me. 
94. I speak both forms of Elvish. Don't hold it against me; the summer my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer I had nothing to keep me occupied except the internet and a copy of The Silmarillion. 
95. I can make myself queef. 
96. I can cross one eye without crossing the other-- with both eyes. I can also raise one eyebrow-- with both my eyebrows. ...get it?
97. My best friend and I had first hour sociology together our senior year, and of course we sat next to each other at the very back of the classroom; we used to read a section of The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson every morning as if it were a chapter of the Bible, awesome priest voice and all. Sometimes that was the only thing that got me through the day. 
98. I smoke Newport 100s... the candy of cigarettes, haha. I do love me some Parliaments though.
99. I prefer lace over satin. 
100. I feel like the last thing on this list should be important or beautiful or mindblowing or incredibly true somehow. Hm... My real name is probably the most generic name you will ever hear in your life. My first, middle and last name are all thoroughly boring and ordinary. It makes me incredibly sad-- I don't think I'm an ordinary or boring person at all, but there you have it all the same. 
 

Holy shit. It's finished. 

...that's crazy.