i miss the strings of red beads

I need to know that everything is going to be okay.
I'm going to be fine.
I'm about $380 short on rent, which is due on the 31st. This upcoming paycheck is going to be very small from me being off work with my knee. I need to know that it's going to work out.
Today I'm going to wear awesome shoes and lots of eyeliner and the scarf my Grand-pere bought me and his cologne and plug in those headphones and smoke one of Jude's cigarettes since someone took my last one at work and go to the salon and make it through the night, then I'm going to come home and forget about everything. I need to not kill myself worrying about this.

And I need to round up everything I can sell.

...fuck.

Update:
nights at work that make you want to burst out sobbing at any given second are NOT COOL. Old ladies who are like three grillion years old paying for multiple pedicures during a mob of check-outs and needs me to explain to her how a credit card works? Also NOT COOL. There are some types of comments that will, no matter what, hit an extremely sensitive spot with me, comments such as "Jeez Arden, you've only been here an hour and a half and you're already screwing things up? Your life must be so hard."
The joke would have been funny... had I not started my period this morning and have incredibly awkward and somewhat empty sex with my partner the night before and trying not to stress about everything else that's going on. Tonight has been a new assortment of "odd", I don't know what's with me lately. It's as if I'm completely apathetic towards everything one moment and the next having a massive panic attack over something going wrong. I just feel sick all the time.
I need a good orgasm. And a day at the beach. And some chocolate pudding.
Orgasm, shower, thirty minutes. Beach day with Jude, Sunday, all day and into the night. Chocolate pudding... damn it.
But tomorrow night I might be making pizza with Aston after work.
I shouldn't be excited for this but I don't get out of work until 10:30 and we're going to want to grab movies and ingredients before we head to his place, so all in all this is going to be a midnight pizza making.
For some reason that makes me hopeful. Strange things happen at midnight.
And then I realize I'm just being silly. Getting my hopes up is just making me ill-prepared to deal with what really is going to happen: nothing.

I have stupid music playing in my head.