I had a very long and elaborate post I was going to publish, but you know what?
FUCK IT.
I'm in a state of frustration I haven't felt since I was a child. I can't even pinpoint why. This dissatisfaction won't leave; I am so ANGRY and I can't even bring myself to feel it. I feel like there is a flood of injustice being poured upon me, yet nothing seems incredibly outlandish.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GRANDFATHER? He's dead. His ashes are six feet under. He's gone. BUT WHERE IS HE? Why isn't he here? Why isn't he telling me it's going to be okay? Why isn't he on the phone with me right now telling me a story from his youth that would show me that I can press on no matter what? Why didn't he tell me about his secret before he died? Why did I have to find out about it from my aunt in the back of a dark car when we were on our way to say our last goodbyes? Why is he gone? I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? Where is his voice? Where are his hands? Who burned his eyes? WHO THE FUCK STUCK HIS BODY IN THAT OVEN? Did they know how much that body meant to me? Did they know how many times that body held me? How many injections I gave that body, how many times I held that body as it vomited from the radiation and the chemo? Did they care? Did they say a fucking word before they flipped the switch? Did they even stop to think of who I may be? Who pronounced him dead? Who felt for his pulse? WHY WASN'T I THERE? In his morphine induced delirium during the last hours I spent with him, he imagined that I had sang to him. WHY DIDN'T I SING FOR HIM? WHERE DID HE GO? WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
And this! This life I'm living! This life of bad clothes and half assed makeup and half assed music and cigarettes and coffee and restless nights! What am I to do about it? Why can't I come home to my partner and be fine with it? Why do I hate him when he's stoned? Why do I want to be alone? Why am I annoyed when he comes out to smoke a cigarette with me? Why am I exasperated at him sitting next to me? Why do my thoughts wander to Jack when I'm trying to fall asleep? Why do I feel the pressing urge to scream my lungs out right now? Why am I stuck being this lost and terrified little girl when all I want is to be someone is anything but? Why am I so drawn to Jack? Why is he the only thing I honestly give a flying fuck about? Why do I know all the reasons he'll fall in love with someone else and never give me a second thought? Why do I even fucking care about that? Why don't I know what to do? Why do I feel irretrievably lost in this world?
god
fucking
DAMN IT
Monday
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First, I hate that your email LOATHES my comments. As long as you get to see them though, I'm ok.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I feel pretty embarrassed about the drinking and driving part but I had to leave it in there to show just how stupid it was. But yeah sex you shouldn't be having does have a special allure to it.
Third, I'm glad you understood the comment about the shoes. I felt like I was bearing a bit too much, but then I was like, "fuck it." I wish I could have seen the look!!!
Fourth and finally, this post literally, brought me to tears. I was really close to my grandpa too and he died about 10 years ago. He was such an amazing person and I feel pretty cheated too. My Dad didn't even tell me about it till he had already died. He had cancer and they had taken him to the hospital. They knew he was going to die and for the sake of not "upsetting" us kids, they let him die before telling us and I never got to say goodbye. I too have been feeling this extreme frustration and I don't know what it is but this whole post really cut to the core of what I've been feeling lately. Anyway, I'm sooo sorry! I hope you feel better soon.