music boxes

I don't know what I'm doing, but it's feeling like success 
Life is what you make it, and I've made mine a mess
--Art Brut, "I Will Survive"

Well, it's done. I did it. Well, we did it if you want to be perfectly correct.
How disappointing, I mean really.
First times are always awkward and strange though, let's be fair. Especially when you're not ready for the... ahem, size.

WOW.

That's going to take some getting used to. Jesus.

Jude is coping... decently. A lot better than I thought, though not without our tiffs. He seemed to deem it necessary to interrogate me on all the gruesome details of today's liaison. I answered all his questions calmly and with complete honesty, and when he was done I very gently told him that was the last time he will ever be allowed to question me like that-- I don't think what Jack and I do on our time is any of Jude's business, regardless of his involvement as my partner. It's not very often that I feel cheap, but that definitely cracked the top of my bill.

You know, I will never fall in love with Jack. Actually dating him would be a disaster, being his girlfriend would end in blood and tears, living with him would drive me to homicide. Keep this in mind while I go a little starry eyed.

I really love spending time with him. I can't get enough, every time we hang out it's something completely different; he's turning into one of my favorite people very quickly. Today (while lying naked on his couch) we mapped out an entire realm on the living room ceiling using the places where the paint had flaked from past water damage as continents. Two kids who are obsessed with steampunk come up with some fucking insane ideas... a central city whose main export is clockwork animals and insects (stolen from another book, but whatever), three island countries full of undead who are constantly warring with each other over which island is bigger, the urban wasteland full of disease and infected beings next to the ceiling fan that one must traverse in order to trade with the four surrounding continents... it was a blast, really. And then it was interrupted by the sex, which was not as much of a blast but still fun all the same. It'll get better with time, I'm really not worried.
I guess what I'm saying is I may have lied when I said I'll never fall in love with him. I do love him, but in my way. I wouldn't expect anyone else to understand, but Jack has his own niche in my heart... the corner with all the books and skeleton keys? Jack's niche! Also one of my favorite places to escape to in my head long before Jack ever arrived, for the record.
It's not love like you'd think. I don't love people like that anymore; the only person I've ever loved in that Twilight madness way was Edward (trust me when I say that is complete coincidence, Cate and I christened him as Edward long before we'd ever heard of Twilight. Though we still giggle about that every once in a while, I mean what are the odds?!) and look how that turned out... well, I haven't spewed forth the Edward story yet, but you'll get it sometime. It's filled with tears, bloodshed and rape. The point is, love like that is an illusion caused by hormones and well placed streetlamps-- to burn like fire is to be used like tinder, and what's left after? No, I don't love like that anymore and I never will again, not out of some bitter hatred for love but simply out of a lack of naivete. I feel like that's given me the freedom to love more deeply, and in more meaningful ways. Wolf would call it attachment, and I guess he would be right. Wolf is always right anyway.
So there it is. I've grown very attached to Jack, and I'm fine with that. It's a very calm, endearing love, the kind of love you save for very dear friends. I've tried to explain my views on love before, but usually the other person just looks at me with brows furrowed and mutters "You are such a pessimist". Which is true, but besides the point. There's a point to this post? It's 1 AM and I'm incredibly confused about my life.
Whatevs.
Now I'm going to listen to Family Force 5 and play neopets. Sometimes my life is awesome.