permission

I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to start this entry. I've sat here staring at this screen for a good five minutes, wondering what words to begin with.
Here goes.

Jude is having a hard time coping. He says his outbursts are just him adjusting and I need to give him time and patience, but I just don't know what to think. I made a silent promise to myself that if I saw this was too much for him to handle, I would be the one to break things off with Jack on my own accord, but he doesn't want me to tell him it's over. He wants me to keep going with this and see what happens.

He's having a hard time with this as an abstract concept. What's going to happen when Jack and I actually do have sex? And that will happen, I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar. Two people who are so attracted to each other that they can't keep their hands off each other for more than five seconds are going to fuck eventually. All you need is an empty bedroom and some good music, both of which are readily available whenever our work schedules allow.
What am I supposed to do then when I come home from a night of marathon romping? What am I supposed to say, knowing that it will break his heart and mine? Jude said he thought he'd have more time to prepare, that I was going to take it slow. I thought I could take it slow, but let's be realistic. If you (whoever you are) knew me in this strange place called "reality", you'd know there are some things I am not good at-- self control is one of them. It's not that I'm weak or simply bad at it, I just can't help myself with some things. For me, sex is a visceral and spiritual experience, a gateway to complete expression and nirvana. Pleasure is, of course, a contributing factor to why I enjoy sex, but hardly a reason I count among the most important. Freud once said that the sexual self is the essence of the self (paraphrasing), and as much as Freud was a coked up misogynistic lunatic, I believe he did have a point there.
It's not that I'm weak with my self control. I just don't think it's fair to put a cupcake in front of a starving child.
I'm a Scorpio, through and through. My chart is full of strange alignments; three of my planets are in scorpio, including my Venus and Pluto... not good for relationships. Or sanity.
For those of you who aren't into astrology, let me attempt to describe myself in a comprehensible manner:
I want it all. 
There is no such thing as half-assed feeling for me. If I want something, I go balls to the wall with it. If I want something, I can almost taste it, it tortures me, I can't sleep until I have it. If I do manage to live my daily life without thinking about the object of my desire, you'd better pray I'm not presented with an opportunity to make it mine because I will strike quicker than any viper you've ever heard of. I am cold, I am calculating, I was the bitch that taught Satan how to manipulate. "Conscience" is not something I do well. I try to keep this as under control as possible, but if I want something I want it with every fiber of my being. I don't save anything for later ration, ever. Everything can be regenerated-- spend it all while you can.

So yes. Putting me in Jack's presence and telling me to not go to bed with him is a very. stupid. idea.

This is killing me. Jude doesn't want me to break it off because he knows how painful being monogamous has been for me (how painful? INCREDIBLY.), but he's going crazy with it. I don't want to break it off because I'll go crazy, but it's hurting the person I love most. There's a part of me that says to sleep with Jack whenever it happens and not tell Jude about it until he can cope, but I can't justify that in my head. There's a part of me that says to break Jude out of my life, that I can only be a source of pain and anguish for him simply because of what I am, but I can't justify cutting my own heart out and feeding it to wolves. There's a part of me that says to do whatever the fuck I want and damn the consequences, but I can't justify being myself so completely when there are others involved.

I've never wanted peace in my life.