a mind is a terrrible thing to make up

Fucking Matchbox Twenty... I feel like I've suddenly been taken back to the nineties. Granted I was born in '90 so a lot of it went over my head, but I still grew up with MB20 and Hootie and the Blowfish and there's something about that unbridled raw shouting... I can't get enough. I've had this shit playing on repeat for three days now, I can't get Back 2 Good out of my head. Not Even The Trees is bringing me to tears every five minutes.
I can't really take the irony right now.
Jude and I are on the rocks right now... speak of the devil, scotch on the rocks with a good cigar sounds absolutely fantastic right now. Anyway. We're struggling, and to be honest I don't think we're going to make it. He tried breaking up with me the other night, telling me we should end it before things got really painful... I kept sobbing and telling him no, that I still wanted to try, that I wasn't ready to give up on this yet. I feel like I shouldn't have interrupted or argued.
I can't do without him. I can't keep causing him all this pain. I feel like I've lost my independence. I want to break free from this, from him, I want to be alone again. I want to sleep in whatever bed I please, I want to live without house rules, I want to do what I please. I want to pick up and move, there is NOTHING, not a GODDAMN THING keeping me here in this hell except for him, I do it for him. I can't imagine living without him, I don't even want to try. I want him to understand what draws me out late at night, I want him to understand that the sparkle in my eyes has nothing to do with him either way. Living together was probably a terrible idea.
He wants to put a break on the open relationship until we figure things out between us. I can't stop thinking about Aston. I thought this would be easy-- I hung out with Aston on Friday, both of us thinking it was goodbye and that he was flying to Dallas on Monday, we went to bed together thinking it was goodbye, we tangled our limbs and came together thinking it was goodbye. I told Jude it was the last time I'd get to see him for a while-- he kissed me and told me to have a good time, that he understood and that it was only right for me to have my final say between him and I. I thought we could do this one thing and then part, using the distance as barrier and excuse.
Now I find out that the flight has been canceled and the project put on hold, there is absolutely no word of when Aston will be flying out but it doesn't look like it's any time in the immediate future. He wants me to come over Tuesday so we can make lasagna and watch old movies; I would die to say yes, but I don't know what to do.
I hate admitting that, but it seems to be a running theme in my life lately. I don't know what to do.
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little bit angry.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Ask Jude to let me see Aston, see his eyes drop to the floor and see the whiskey bottle in his eyes? Tell Aston I need to step back, break his heart and mine? Sneak behind Jude's back as I have in the past?
I can't seem to do right by this boy no matter what I do. I should leave him before I break him.
"Baby, honey child, I love you so long but you deserve much better than me."
And confirm all his saddest fears. How heartless can I be?
I'm about $200 short on rent. I have no cigarettes. I have no food. I have the worst case of the flu I've ever had, and to top it off it was my boss who gave it to me. I am all sorts of fucked.

EVERYONE HERE IS WONDERING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE
EVERYONE HERE'S TO BLAME
EVERYONE HERE GETS CAUGHT UP IN THE PLEASURE OF THE PAIN
EVERYONE HERE HIDES SHADES OF SHAME


fuck