no tomorrow

I lay there, cramped limbs falling asleep, his breath on my neck and the red light glaring on my face. It finally hit me; it hangs on a thread, all of it. Someone in a suit will make a decision, sign a paper or take a phone call from behind a desk and I'll be without a partner in crime for what, six months? Work may call Aston across the country for who knows how long. Hotel rooms, stiff sheets, hollow pillows.
Salt water suddenly leaked out the corners of my eyes, ever so subtly wetting my lashes and threatening to spill. I couldn't even catch myself. I held him close and repeated words in my head, desperate to find a mantra that would keep him with me in the darkness.
"Please don't go. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave. Please stay. Very, very few things make me smile anymore. Please don't take you away. Please don't go. I'll beg."
Over and over.

I'm still fighting it.
We lost ourselves tonight. It felt so good to not care, wandering between hands and lips and skin, trying to gasp the air back into our lungs as we writhed from one place to another, sweat gathering in beads on my back and between my breasts. We kept saying we were going to get up and make tea, interrupting kisses to laugh and whisper "tea" and moan a response of "absolutely" before wrapping our limbs tighter around each other and forgetting all about the tea until one of us repeated the cycle. Somehow we went from the couch to about three or five or seventeen places on the floor, we just sort of slid off the sofa in a fit of passion and rolled around on the carpet, pushing objects out of our way as they proved to be obstacles. It was incredible, I've never been kissed like that in my life. It's not that he's a skilled kisser or anything special like that: there's an agony behind it I've never felt before, a passion I'm not used to. He kisses me like it's the only thing he's ever wanted, he kisses me with his whole body, as if his entire being is entirely dependent upon being pressed up against me, and if he can't have me then he'll simply perish in flames and Hell, happy with the memory of how close he was to me for a time. I can't help but be lost in the bliss of it, the simple ecstasy of being caught up in my own unprecedented desire and having it returned with the same force and desperation.

and HOLY SHIT talk about wet. My Goddess, I've never been so wet in my life. It's amazing how those little details will go so far... I know what I'm talking about.

To answer your question, no. We did not have sex. I'm still somewhat confused about the whole thing... I would explain but I'm so tired and not sure how much I want to share on here... normally I'd give every detail but a bond of trust has been broken. I suppose I'll manage. It's such a long story.


What if tomorrow never came? Just endless night. And what if that ended? What if it ended? Would I still exist in the void? Could the void exist without me?
Empty, hollow little children everywhere, it's in their faces, in their eyes. Who listens to you when you lay your head down? Do you know how small your fears are? How true they are? I'm so sorry we've forgotten, but we had no choice. I'm sorry I loathe you all so much, but I can't take seeing what I never had. I would love to have one of you someday, to see Jude's child grow in my belly, to see your face come into the world-- a brand new thing, so small-- and to swing you by your arms as we cross the street together. I wouldn't even care if you came from us, I would love you all the same. You would be my child, no matter your color or country or age when we found you. I would hold you close and show you the rest of your world. I can't bring myself to put you at such risk. I am a dangerous creature, an animal that bites and screams and hits and says such hurtful things. I was locked in too many closets for too many days, sold for too many nights, starved for too many meals, it drove the maternity out of me-- how could I risk you? I would rather you not exist than to see the look in your eyes and the bruises on your face. I can't let you know what I've known. I love you too much to let you see me. Forgive me.
forgive me

please forgive me
jesus fucking god please forgive me