to my dear midMANdle

First things first,  I have to say this: the name (midMANdle) is absolutely genius, it makes me smile during my day.
I decided to address this entry to you because all I have to say is too long to put into a comment. So here you go!
Well, uh, I haven't been doing so well (if you couldn't tell) haha. My life is ever so gracefully falling apart... I'm going to be twenty in about two months and I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I almost regret educating myself, to be honest-- I wish I had known what I was getting into when I decided to see for myself what is so wrong with this world. Now that I've found the antagonists (patriarchy, gender roles, sexual oppression, religion, human nature itself... from what I can tell, all the evidence points to these twisted factors and more) how could I ever sleep soundly without knowing that I'm doing all in my power to fight them? I'm about to say "fuck it" and live in a van by the river, seriously. I wish I had realized the responsibility when I picked up The Golden Notebook in high school-- a fantastic book, if you haven't read it I suggest you hop down to your library and get it NOW-- it brought to the forefront of my hazy thoughts everything I already knew was going on but was too afraid to realize. After finishing it in less than a week (if you've seen the size of the book you'll realize how quickly I ate it up) I immediately re-read The Hours and The Bell Jar in one night; everything seemed to come together and I was never the same.
...I'm not entirely sure why I went on that rant.
What I'm trying to say is that it's consuming me. Sometimes I can't even leave my apartment because I know what lies out there: lies, treachery, prying eyes and a system that sees me for something that I am not. Earlier this week someone referred to me as a womon (or in this case, a "woman"... if you catch my drift), I couldn't stop myself.
"You're a woman, you should know."
"I'm nothing of the sort."
"Then what are you? A boy?" He snickered into his coffee.
My brows involuntarily furrowed. A thousand of Judith Butler's words flew through my brain as I gathered my books, Simone de Beauvoir whispering in my ear as I shoved them in my bag. "I wouldn't expect you to understand the nature of me."
How could I explain that gender doesn't exist when this person had insisted so adamantly to the contrary?

...but I'm rambling. My point is that I'm exhausted. I smoke too many cigarettes, I have too much/too little sex (simultaneously), I wear too much eyeliner, I read too many books and can tolerate very little human interaction. I'm a nineteen year old hermit, Goddess help me.
But you. Tell me about you. I'm absolutely on the edge of my proverbial seat to know what's happened to you and your exploits. I must have more. Feel free to email me if you like-- hit me up sometime. It's a crying shame we don't live anywhere near each other, I'd buy you a cup of tea any day. :)